MCA

Despite having both a forgiving Playboy Playmate for a wife and a camera-friendly Amtrak train for a penis, Tommy Lee still manages to be the sorriest sonofabitch making time on Access Hollywood. As if manhandling his family—and going to prison as a result—isn’t bad enough, the former Motley Crue drummer is now trying desperately to be Kid Rock—albeit an older, uglier version without the comic pop flair. Lee’s new band, Methods of Mayhem, is an utterly annoying ghoulash of phoned-in rhymin’ from bored rappers Snoop Dogg and Lil’ Kim, guttural chanting from nonrappers Lee and sidekick TiLo, and heavy-metal guitar and percussion not good enough for a “Dr. Feelgood” B-side. Songs on MOM’s debut album range in emotional complexity from “Who the Hell Cares” to “Proposition Fuck You.” On the first single, “Get Naked,” Lee finally has the chance to issue a clever rebuttal about the makeshift porn he shot with blushing bride Pammy. Nevertheless, the intensively tattooed rocker, bragging that he’s “bigger than Ron Jeremy,” immediately drops the ball: “77 million dollars made/From watchin’ me cum/Under the sun on my vacation….Shooting my jizzy jizzum/The woody has rissy rizen.” Hold on a minute: That’s not some particular brand of genius, is it? Jesus, now I’m not so sure. Wait, there seems to be a personal message from Tommy printed on the disc: “Warning: This CD Is Nothing but Worthless Plastic Unless Played Loud as Fuck. So Take This Shit Straight to Your Head—Because After All, It’s Quiet When You’re Dead.” No, I was right: He’s an idiot.—Sean Daly