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Oh, how I’d relish watching smug D.C. sportscasters Darrian Chapman and Brett Haber pound the living crap out of each other in a bare-knuckle battle to the death. Local sports fans without cable, without ESPN, without an escape from these guys would cheer as the blood spurted and the teeth flew and the toupees fell. The tale of the tape: Chapman’s got the girth and the reach, but Haber looks like a crafty little bastard who would no doubt use contraband to fool his enemy into submission. (Hairspray in the eyes, perhaps?) Unfortunately, Chapman and Haber will be teammates when select members of the Washington media play a Washington Capitals alumni squad (including Yvon Labre, Bryan Watson, and Craig Laughlin) in a charity game benefiting Kids on Ice, a program teaching inner-city kids basic figure-skating and hockey skills. Oh well, maybe Chapman and Haber will trade blows over playing time….At 4:30 p.m. at the Fort Dupont Ice Arena, 3779 Ely Place SE. Free (a post-game skating session is $5). (202) 296-7200. (Sean Daly)