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Washington City Paper reporter Elissa Silverman’s “Looking for Mr. Goodman” (3/17) described the extraordinary lengths single Jews go to meet, date, and, very occasionally, marry each other here in Washington, D.C. But there may be a much simpler way to marriage-match eligible people, regardless of their race, nationality, or religion.

At birth, give each child’s parents a portrait of their child, utilizing the most refined astrological techniques and our best computers. Discuss each child’s strengths, weaknesses, and development potentials—who can do what, and about when.

Teach students, from seventh grade on, how to be good parents, with parenting classes taught by stable mentors of both sexes, possibly a married couple. Televise how-to-parent programs, with call-in question-and-answer sessions, for women raising their kids at home. Have these programs repeated, perhaps on another station, for women who work odd hours.

Then, when children reach their 16th birthdays—with puberty occurring at about age 15 due to their being raised as soy-milk-drinking vegetarians—have them all take a no-wrong-answers preference test regarding their likes and dislikes so that they can, at the proper time astrologically, meet potential life partners.

(By the lack of instruction in certain, simple truths in schools, students are effectively being denied integral parts of a complete education—the strongest interpersonal bonds outside of your immediate family are made between ages 15 and 17.)

Losing one’s virginity may be a wonderful and romantic experience. For some people. For others, it is quite a trauma. To eliminate the potential for much greater problems, persisting in life and affecting the woman’s chosen husband(s) and child(ren), as well as the man’s attitude toward women in general and sex in particular, may I recommend one required counseling session with (1) a nonvirgin peer, (2) a teacher, and (3) a psychiatric professional, from an RN with psychological training to the dean of psychiatry, within a few days after the experience. The female should be interviewed first, then the male, and then the couple together. (Although this step would perhaps be unnecessary for many, an unknown number of people would be greatly helped by it.)

Returning to astrology now: Necessary reference works include The Complete Astrological Handbook for the Twenty-First Century by Miller & Brown (Schocken, 1999); Nicholas de Vore’s one-volume Encyclopedia of Astrology (1947, out of print; section on degrees); the recent findings of New York City’s Magi Society, as described in the Great Bear’s Planet Earth Astrology magazine (Eugene, Ore.); and Astro*Carto*Graphy, which discusses where on Earth each individual person may find love, work, and other forms of fulfillment (sorry, I don’t have the address).

Of course, you will also need the services of more than one competent astrologer—possibly also biorhythm matching, an excellent computer geek or two, and a sociologist to design the preference questionnaire for people, which should be tested first in small groups, then in one metropolitan area such as Washington’s (i.e., write to every high school newspaper in the area and offer your services for as low a price as is possible); next the nation, and tomorrow, why, the world (with regional and national variations made for the questionnaire).

If you use and even improve upon my system, you don’t owe me a thing. You see, YHWH, the Creator, charged me nothing for my inherent creativity and intelligence, the fruits of which can be used to fulfill the loneliness (and other) longings of humanity for as long as the Sun gives life, and the planets revolve around this planet. (I myself am a student of astrology, not an astrologer.)

Dupont Circle