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Kids, Mister How-To (aka Takoma Park children’s book author Edward Allan Faine) wants to teach us how to name our rock bands. He also wants to inform us about how to tie a neat knot. And to play a hand trumpet and talk like Donald Duck. Well, Mister How-To, how ’bout teaching us how to breathe underwater? Or how to see through concrete? Better yet, why don’t you teach us how to have our bodies genetically mutated so that we can do cool things like have nasty-looking megaclaws come out of our knuckles? That’d be so cool. And then, when big, fat, muscle-bound bad guys come after us to try and break our bones, maybe you could teach us how to forge unbreakable metal to our skeletons so the evildoers will just turn themselves into pulpy residue. Now these are truly useful things. Mister How-To lectures and demonstrates at 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. at Barnes & Noble, 3040 M St. NW. Free. (202) 965-9880. (Mike Kanin)