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With the release of 3000 Miles to Graceland, it’s official: Anything that Kevin Costner touches turns to trash. Costner plays Murphy, an Elvis impersonator planning to rob a Las Vegas casino during International Elvis Week. Joining him are Michael (Kurt Russell), who’s fresh out of jail and has already unwittingly secured his very own ball and chain, Cybil (Courteney Cox), via a one-afternoon stand, and a backup gang of thieves (David Arquette, Christian Slater, and Bokeem Woodbine). The heist itself is the film’s shining moment: It’s slick, it’s stylish, and it takes the tongue-in-cheek bawdiness of Vegas one step farther into the world of appealing badness by throwing cooler-than-thou criminals into the mix. With the best of Elvis roaring in the background, the scene jumps thrillingly between the holdup at the vault and a parade of impersonators and showgirls onstage just steps away. But then the shoot-out begins, and the fun ends. After both the crooks and casino security make ridiculous use of automatic weaponry, the film’s dead—including one of the gang’s own—seem to outnumber the living. But with $3.2 million to divide among them, the Elvi are pleased with the results—at least while they’re all still getting along. Boys will be boys, however, and during the process of determining who’s the baddest Elvis of them all, more gang members are killed, and the money is lost, then found, then stolen again. The details are tiresome, but the film’s central conflict boils down to Murphy’s and Michael’s competing quests to be the King. Director Demian Lichtenstein’s music-video experience—as well as his cluelessness about putting together a cohesive feature—are evident throughout the film but especially in its opening sequence: A hard-rock soundtrack accompanies cuts between kandy-kolored scenes of a fast-moving Caddy on a desert road and, um, giant bugs fighting. The two scenes are brought together, signaling the start of 3000 Miles’ messy action, when the speeding car crunches a very real scorpion. Flashy, sure. Effective, not really. —Tricia Olszewski