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Dear Mom and Dad: You really don’t have a fucking clue, do you? I’m not the same kid you have dressed up like some Ivy League reject or the one you show pictures of gleefully taking his first dump. I’m a punk-rock-moshing, liquor-cabinet-raiding, foul-mouthed spawn of Lucifer himself, just waiting for a chance to take the Oldsmobile out for a little demolition derby. I bet you tell yourselves that I take money from your dresser drawer only because I’m going through some adolescent phase. Screw that Child Psychology 101 bullshit: I steal from you to buy porn. And that padlock on my door is to keep you out of my room while I’m jerking off. So what if lately I’ve been coming home piss-drunk after 2 in the morning? That’s my business. And the same goes for my nose ring, my tongue ring, and anything else I may have pierced. Do you really think I want to talk to you about it? C’mon, guys, let’s gather around the dinner table and discuss my next tattoo! You just don’t get it. To tell you the truth, I’m glad you’re going to that “Understanding Your Teenaged Son” workshop this morning. It’ll give me the opportunity to get high with my friends in your living room and then have sex in your bed. Love, Your Fucking Son. P.S. The workshop begins at 10 a.m. Saturday, March 31, at Vienna Baptist Church, 541 Marshall Road, Vienna. $25. For reservations call (703) 281-2657. (Matthew Borlik, pictured)