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From Napalm & Silly Putty, by George Carlin: “The news turns me on….I’m not interested in the budget, I don’t care about tax negotiations, I don’t wanna know what country the pope is in. But show me a burning hospital with people on crutches jumpin’ off the roof, and I’m a happy guy. I wanna see a paint factory blowin’ up, an oil refinery explode, and a tornado hit a church on Sunday. I wanna be told there’s a guy running through the Kmart shooting at customers with an automatic weapon. I wanna see thousands of people in the street killing policemen; hear about a nuclear meltdown in a big city; find out the stock market dropped 4,000 points in one day. I wanna see people under pressure! Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, graves being filled, parents weeping. My kinda TV!” George Carlin is one of the funniest Americans alive, and he’s in D.C., at 12:30 p.m. at Olsson’s, 418 7th St. NW. Free. (202) 638-7610. (Dave Nuttycombe)