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Whenever I watch Judge Judy, I remember why people hire lawyers. Take two recent shows: On one, a bald teenager took a friend to court whom she suspected of slipping hair-removal cream into her conditioner; on another, two mothers who accused each other’s children of being bullies sued each other for damages. Watching such almost-scripted mud fights, I can’t help but conclude that people who represent themselves in court are either crazy or raving egomaniacs. As much as we love to loathe them, good lawyers not only stand up for their clients, but they also stand in for them and hide—for as long as possible—what lame, uncharismatic boobs their clients really are. Of course, good legal help is costly. But before you decide to go it alone, you might want to learn the difference between a tort and a tart so you don’t screw the wrong one. “How to Be Your Own Lawyer” begins at 6:30 p.m. at First Class Inc., 1726 20th St. NW. $37. For reservations call (202) 797-5102. (Annys Shin)