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I know Detective Lennie Briscoe. He’s weathered two divorces, the murder of one daughter, estrangement from the other, allegations of evidence tampering, and the indecent price of Knicks tix on a cop’s salary. He’s not above flashing his badge for a free meal, but hold the sauce: He’s been sober for most of the past decade—save that tragic lapse in May 1996, reruns of which leave me sobbing into my TV Guide. Tonight, Jerry Orbach will probably want to talk about his theatrical career (The Fantasticks, Guys and Dolls), but don’t be surprised if some of the crowd’s looking to get cuffed or at least Mirandized. You better damn well remain silent when Orbach speaks at 6:30 p.m. at National Museum of Natural History’s Baird Auditorium, 10th and Constitution Avenue NW. $20. (202) 357-3030. (Pamela Murray Winters)