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According to the criteria outlined in The BAP Handbook: The Official Guide to the Black American Princess, I once had all of the traits of a BAP: right college, right hometown, a BAP-approved first name. Hell, I even religiously painted my face with MAC, the BAP maquillage of choice. Alas, despite this fine beginning, a BAP I could never be. Several unforgivable character flaws (a fondness for Olde English “800,” the two-piece special at Popeyes, and my boyfriend Pookie, among them) spoiled my prospects. At least that’s according to the book’s authorsKalyn Johnson, Tracey Lewis, Karla Lightfoot, and Ginger Wilsonwho have exposed the secrets of our nation’s feminine black bourgeoisie by comically, and truthfully, outlining the lifestyle of your average BAP from birth to motherhood. (What? No BAP funeral?) And although my hopes of leading a life that would rival Black Barbie’s were dashed long ago, I can still always use a MAC lipstick or two. So you might see me at the in-store book signing at MAC Georgetown, where the first 25 customers to buy a Diva (what else?) lipstick get a signed, complimentary copy of The BAP Handbook. I may even let makeup artist extraordinaire Michele Rack give me a free makeover. Or I may just curl up with Pookie, a bucket of chicken, and a bottle of 8-ball. Johnson, Lewis, Lightfoot, and Wilson will appear at 12:30 p.m. Saturday, July 28, at MAC Georgetown, 3067 M St. NW. Free. (202) 944-9771. (Sarah Godfrey)