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Brendan and Emmett Malloy

There are wait-for-video movies. There are wait-for-cable movies. And then there’s Out Cold. A snowboarding flick that doesn’t know whether it wants to be Vertical Limit or Caddyshack, Out Cold is nothing more than a long Mountain Dew commercial featuring the star power of the Fall Guy, the twin brother of the dude who played Griffin on Party of Five, and—perhaps added in a desperate attempt to make it all watchable—1997’s Playmate of the Year (her signature line: “All this making out is a lot of fun!”). The movie opens with a fairly exciting ‘boarding sequence down what looks to be a man-eating mountain; other than that, the action is limited to drunken goof-off races, plot-oriented save-the-day feats, and Home Alone-worthy outtakes at film’s end. (For those of you who haven’t yet learned from America’s Funniest Home Videos, pain = hilarity.) Anchoring these are the trials of the misfits who work at family-run resort Bull Mountain, including the upheaval that’s caused when big businessman John Majors (Lee Majors) takes over operations and the romantic troubles of hotshot snowboarder Rick (Jason London), who’s alternately interested in Jenny (A.J. Cook) and hung up on John’s daughter Anna (Caroline Dhavernas, a baby Rena Sofer). The humor is Farrelly brothers-juvenile (complete with a wheelchair-bound character for those no-they-didn’t! shock jokes), and if you’ve seen the trailers, you’ve seen the only gag that’s kinda funny. Don’t expect the love story to add much else. The passion shown here goes no deeper than Rick’s lament about Anna: “You know what I hate about this chick? I know I’m in love with her—and it sucks.” There’s not much snowboardin’, there’s not much lovin’, and there’s sure as hell not much laughin’—and as far as going to see Out Cold for its only recognizable face, well, you can always catch Bionic Ever After? on TV. —Tricia Olszewski