Oh, the shame that a simple movie can reduce me to this: During the screening of Super Troopers, in between wondering what Arch Campbell was laughing at and why he kept going out to the lobby, I found myself longing for…Steve Guttenberg. Though getting mocked by The Simpsons and co-starring with the Olsen twins have been his only reprieve from total oblivion these days, you can’t deny that Guttenberg and his Police Academy crew once knew how to get bumbling-cop humor right. (By Police Academy 4, admittedly, the magic had run dry.) Not so Broken Lizard, the five-man comedy troupe responsible for the painfully limp Super Troopers, light February fare that imagines a world where, goddammit, highway patrolmen can be jackasses, too. In an uninspired and never-ending series of gags, they fuck with civilians, they fuck with local police, and, oh yes, they fuck with each other. Of course, there’s nothing worse than a perpetual jokester who just isn’t funny, and this group comes off like a bunch of thick-skulled rejects who found each other at a Star Trek convention and began to amuse themselves with dirty asides about Seven of Nine. There are Thorny (writer-director Jay Chandrasekhar), the dark-skinned trooper of mysterious descent whose contribution to the hilarity is never letting anyone know where he’s really from; Foster (Paul Soter), the dweeb with terrible pickup skills who nonetheless gets the cute blonde on the local force; Rabbit (Erik Stolhanske), the new guy; and two other schlubs (Kevin Heffernan and Steve Lemme) who look kind of alike and also are similarly stupid. Their main jokes are saying “meow” instead of “now” to get a pulled-over driver laughing and then yelling at him when he does, donning disguises and speeding to give the other cops something to do, and doing the “repeat” with traffic violators: Trooper No. 1 says, “You know how fast you were going?”; Trooper No. 2 says, “You know how fast you were going?”—you get the idea. There’s absolutely nothing funny about the wannabe clowns who are Broken Lizard, and Super Troopers should ensure that they quickly return to the obscurity whence they came. —Tricia Olszewski