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Ever gazed at those “Do Not Touch the Artwork” signs in museums and thought, So I can go ahead and molest the crappy stuff? Ever wanted to pour acid on one of those Film Stills and watch Cindy Sherman’s smug face decompose? Ever wanted to take a hammer to a Julian Schnabel…oh, I guess that would be redundant. Well, here’s your chance to go all Tool Time on a work of art in front of an encouraging audience. In an auction to benefit Ladyfest D.C., the Metro Cafe will be hosting “Under the Velvet Hammer,” a viewing, auction, party, and—let’s call it a lesson in art appreciation. Lucky high bidders may choose to cherish their works of art (and hang them under flattering lighting) or wantonly destroy whatever they bid on. Lucrezia Blozia of Glamonstrosity Inc. is your hostess for the evening, and chick DJs Plan B and Christine Moritz will spin tunes to smash up art to. Get hammered at 6 p.m. at the Metro Cafe, 1522 14th St. NW. $7. (202) 546-0334. (Arion Berger)