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In: Palisades

Residents are opposing: St. Patrick’s Episcopal Day School’s expansion plan

Because: It would bring traffic and noise to the neighborhood.

We Say: Shhh…don’t wake the Episcopalians.

In: North Cleveland Park

Residents are opposing: Proposed rumble strips on Yuma Street

Because: They’re noisy. They vibrate.

We Say: Change name to French Tickler Avenue, charge toll.

In: Cleveland Park

Residents are opposing: A mysterious man who mumbles to himself

Because: He snaps branches off shrubs.

We Say: Mmmble, grmmmbllm, damn branch, grble…

In: Brookland

Residents are opposing: Dogs

Because: You know that field along 9th Street NE? They shit all over it.

We Say: “Dog” spelled backward is “Geez! What the hell did I step in?!”

In: Adams Morgan

Residents are opposing: A white male, about 5-foot-9, thin, and 50-ish, with very short hair

Because: He steals cats.

We Say: Those cats were going to leave you anyway.