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When I pass into the great beyond, there are a few things my survivors should bury with me to facilitate my quest for immortality. (Don’t laugh. Though I’m no queen, I’m going out Egyptian-style.) A loaded cheeseburger for strength. A six-pack for my nerves. (I do believe in spooks.) My down comforter and pillows to allow for proper rest in peace. And some Springsteen, as well as a few mix tapes, for this, the ultimate road trip. Stuff, I can guarantee, that will be found in exactly zero tombs along the Nile. According to the documentary The Quest for Immortality in Ancient Egypt, an outgoing body was prepared thus: “First, with a crooked iron tool, they draw out the brain through the nostrils. After this, they make a cut along the side, and take out the whole contents of the belly. Then they fill the belly with myrrh, and sew it together again.” No mention of burgers. No talk of Springsteen. Maybe there was some beer? All this because of Osiris, the world’s first mummy. But what do you want from a dude who married his sister? Learn how to live happily ever after at 12:30 p.m. at the National Gallery of Art’s East Building Auditorium, 4th and Constitution Avenue NW. Free. (202) 842-6799. (Tricia Olszewski)