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In a 10-team league, where eight franchises qualify for the postseason, you’ve got to be god-awful not to make it. And right now it seems D.C. United couldn’t get any worse. Or could it? Here’s

a target United might hit (since the players keep missing the net): the MLS regular-season record for fewest goals. All United has to do is not score 11 times over the next five games—no tough task for our boys. Not scoring is what United has done best all year. Cheer them on: Scream when United shanks that next gimme goal. Roar when the referee nullifies another penalty kick. Check out the three-time-champs-turned-chumps before they hang up their footy boots. United hosts the San Jose Earthquakes at 7:30 p.m. at RFK Stadium, 22nd and East Capitol Streets NE. $16-$36. (202) 432-7328. (Chris Shott)