We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.
MONDAY
Apparently, The Blair Witch Project has finally reached the boonies: For his first venture into feature-length science fiction, Ray Schmitt has produced The Lights, a mockumentary that chronicles the filming of an alien abduction movie through disconnected scenes, bad takes, and behind-the-lens production sequences. Kind of. Underneath the careless overdubbing and heavy-handed accents (did she just say, “We’re in the lost forest” or “We’re the lost whores”?) there is some sort of plot: Vacationing co-eds Christine and Krista (“Wild” and “Wonderful,” respectively) make their way to the UFO hot spot of Lost River, W.Va., for a relaxing weekend of picture-taking and cucumber eye treatments. Next thing you know, Wild and Wonderful are searching for some “innocent country boys” at Danny’s Wagon Wheel (which inexplicably has today’s hottest dance tracks on the juke). There they meet slack-jawed stud muffin Jeff, who invites them to the hog roast he’s holding in honor of his dog’s birthday. Yee-haw: Once there, Krista and Jeff get all smoochie in what appears to be an outhouse, and Christine turns to the Mason jar. In a moonshine-induced, psychedelic haze of Film Production 101 special effects, she stumbles off to check out the mysterious mountain lights all the drunk yokels keep babbling about—and she is never seen again. The faux-documentary and feature film abruptly end there, with some uncertainty as to whether Christine is supposed to have vanished in Schmitt’s ill-constructed reality or if her disappearance was to have happened as part of the abduction film’s plot. Either way, you’ll be thankful: Any longer and you’d wish the aliens would take you away for some far less painful anal probing. The Lights screens at noon Monday, Sept. 16, at the Library of Congress’ Pickford Theater, 101 Independence Ave. SE. Free. (202) 707-5677. (Matthew Borlik)