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There are your ho-hum Halloween haunted houses—olives for eyeballs, cold noodles for brains, your neighbor in a hockey mask—and then there’s The Fright House: Extreme Scream Park. This attraction is nothing short of (cue maniacal laughter) a monster. Sprawled out over 65,000 square feet of the morguelike D.C. Armory, this celebration of all things creaky, freaky, and eek!-y uses 80 unhinged actors, eye-gouging 3D visuals, and stake-in-the-heart FX to provide guests with a 90-minute tour of horror. Such terrifying things to watch out for include the FBI Freezer (where notorious villains are starting to melt…and move), the Mummy’s Tomb (looks like someone’s awake), and Poe’s House of Usher (uh, never read that one, but I’m sure it’s really scary). Halloween is the best holiday we have, kids, so soap those windows, egg your pals, then pee your pants with pride. The House is open Thursdays to Sundays and Wednesday, Oct. 30, to Thursday, Oct. 31, at the D.C. Armory, 2001 East Capitol St. NE. $13.50-$24.50. (202) 432-7328. Check City List for times. (Sean Daly)