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Oh, the poor Jews at Christmas! Know they not the joys of buying, addressing, and mailing hundreds of generically sentimentalized cards to relatives and relative strangers? And how can a Jew comprehend the delight of being forced to buy unnecessary gifts for every stray acquaintance? And what in their curious religion can compare to the magic of lying to their children about the existence of a hairy fat man who will break into the house? No, come Dec. 25, the sad Jews will not be trapped with their families, sharing tears, arguments, and too much alcohol (because Hanukkah started in November this year.) Instead, they will spend the day quietly at the movies, followed by a meal of delicious Chinese food. Perhaps they will attend the “Jewish-American X-mas: The Jewish Experience on Film,” for free screenings of such classics as Funny Girl (Barbra!) and The Front (Woody!). Visions will even lay out a nice spread of matzo-ball soup and Chinese chicken salad for noshing. Did I mention it’s free (well, not the food)? Oy! The program begins at 1:30 p.m. at Visions Cinema Bistro Lounge, 1927 Florida Ave. NW. Free. (202) 667-0090. (Dave Nuttycombe)