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Let’s pretend for a moment that movies such as Snow Dogs and The Hot Chick don’t exist. The Washington City Paper tried to this year, devoting coverage to films that seemed a little more worthy, a little less my-cousin-in-law wrote-a-script-ish, and therefore spared me hours of boredom. But just as parents can’t ever fully protect their kids from the bad people of the world, my editors couldn’t save me from all of the bad movies of 2002. Here’s an abbreviated list of bottom-scrapers that Oscar will snub for a bunch of very good reasons:
Rollerball There’s a subtext of international conspiracy and a point at which things inexplicably go green—though you might assume it’s just your reaction to watching two-years-running worst-of-lister Chris Klein.
Big Trouble A Get Shorty wannabe with airport bombs, a Martha Stewart-headed dog, and not a trace of Dave Barry’s humor—which is odd, given that it’s based on a Dave Barry novel.
Slackers High-school love goes simultaneously psychotic and boring, and a 71-year-old Mamie Van Doren gets a sponge bath from creepy Jason Schwartzman.
Blue Crush Professional competitor, professional girlfriend: Surfer Anne Marie shows young women what girl power is all about when a potential suitor says “I love you” with cash.
Hey Arnold! The Movie Not even a football-headed cartoon character can make gentrification funny, though I imagine D.C. theaters were packed.
Jason X Actresses from the WB battle the masked one—circa 2455, postcryogenic freezing, and in space. In space!
Kung Pow! Enter the Fist It’s hard to understand why a movie that tried out comedy both old (bad Asian-flick dubbing!) and new (a cow that fights with its udders! a one-boobed woman!) just wasn’t funny. Hmmm.
FearDotCom Aug. 30, 2002: Google breaks down as audiences around the country tap “fear site” into their Palm Pilots, hoping for a quick death.
40 Days and 40 Nights Josh Hartnett has battled Somalians. He’s battled the Japanese. Here he battles…his penis. After watching him make locker-room talk dull, even Noah would advise Hartnett to keep his pants on.
Super Troopers A cop comedy bad enough to make Steve Guttenberg look good. CP