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Laser Mission has all the hallmarks of the crappy, crappily made, craption movie: spies dropping through the ceiling onto a banquet table, cars that run over fruit stands, and Ernest Borgnine as a laser scientist. Despite its obvious fruit-stand-and-Borgnine usage, this secret-agent picture, starring Brandon Lee, does feature two relative novelties: Lee survives the production, and there’s a 526-carat diamond. The gem, big enough to crap out 10 Hope Diamonds and still be the Hope Diamond, looks like a giant ice cube, and it’s at the center of a titanic struggle between rather indistinguishable people. Except, that is, when these people are Brandon Lee, Brandon Lee pretending to be Spanish via fake mustachery, or a possibly KGB veterinarian in a blue dress. Once again the old adage is proved: “Veterinarian is a common action-movie job for women, probably third behind undecided and marine biologist.” Or is that “The animals are always the first to know”? Be second to know, after the animals, at 8 p.m. at Stetson’s Bar and Grill, 1610 U St. NW. Free. (202) 736-1732. (Josh Levin)