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Armed with its $36 billion budget and a mandate to protect the public, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has launched its ready.gov Web site, featuring graphical guides to surviving various terror scenarios. But who’s got time to log on and click through when the crisis hits? Rather than letting all that government-produced guidance go to waste, the Washington City Paper presents a portable, abbreviated guide to making it through an attack.

All safety graphics are 100 percent authentic Homeland Security material, courtesy of ready.gov.

Welcome to the next terrorist attack! I’m your celebrity host, Michael Jackson.

Do you see this? Hint: It ain’t dinner.

And feel this?

Think for a moment.

Now leave. Get out.

Repeat: GET OUT!

Feel the exit. Become one with the exit. Give us your gang sign. Then GET OUT!

Did we mention the part where you GET OUT?

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Go down if you like. Just GET OUT. We can’t tell you where to go. But we think OUT is good. OUT and DOWN.

Not just under your desk! Hey, watch the new G4! Goddammit, that’s a 20-gig hard drive!

Now you’re trapped under a collapsing building. Do not get trapped under a collapsing building.

If you do get trapped under a collapsing building, be sure to have been carrying a big flashlight in your pocket.

“Use a whistle if one is available. Shout only as a last resort—shouting can cause a person to inhale dangerous amounts of dust.”*

Hang on! Help is on its way.

Unless it isn’t. CP

* Actual U.S. Department of Homeland Security advice to people trapped in rubble.