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Washington City Paper, you old rascal you: “Chunky but Funky” (5/23) wasn’t just a great story. It was the most brilliant work of devilry and evil I’ve ever seen! It took brass balls and a total imperviousness to conscience for you to reinforce, nay, justify America’s most harmful racial stereotypes the way you did. I’m still giggling over your silky-smooth, “statistics-based” sweet talk.

You must want the destruction not just of black women, but of all women! You’ve given black women a historical (but deliciously flimsy!) excuse to pig out, and white women a justification for their most painful self-consciousness. Black women can never have a 22-inch waist, and their culture dictates that obesity is a sign of wealth? Pure poetry! Who doesn’t like wealth these days?

White women, meanwhile, still have a chance at Barbie-doll looks? You’re so bad! Wait, it just occurred to me—your phony liberal exterior is nothing but a mask for your dream of global white supremacy! It seems so obvious now. By lulling black women into complacency about their compulsive eating and convincing white women that the beauty standard still applies to them (oh, but you were so subtle about it!), you are actually trying to promote white women over blacks!

Once your ideals catch on, the rest of the world will see African-American women as slobs, and America’s racial divide will be wider than ever! Or, more fiendish yet, black women will all die of obesity-related conditions (or at least be confined to wide-open spaces where they can still fit), and you will be loving life in a new world where black women are nothing but an unpleasant memory.

City Paper, I salute you; you’re an inspiration to those with no souls.

Love and kisses,

Satan

(aka Butch Thomas)

Rockville