City Paper is not for tourists.
Residents are opposing: Sports-bike riders speeding through the neighborhood
Because: They disregard traffic laws and endanger pedestrians.
We say: Speed bumps make great moguls.
In: Foggy Bottom
Residents are opposing: The Watergate’s plans to turn one of its buildings into condos
Because: It could become a “de facto dorm” for George Washington University students.
We say: It’s Watergate-gate!
In: Shepherd Park
Residents are opposing: Morris Miller Liquors on Georgia Avenue
Because: Customers allegedly drink singles and then urinate on Northminster Presbyterian Church.
We say: Somewhere, Andrés Serrano is kicking himself.
Residents are opposing: Guys setting off fireworks
Because: The explosions leave smoke clouds hanging over the neighborhood.
We say: Now how do we celebrate the fireworks ban?
Residents are opposing: Somebody stealing items from mail deliveries
Because: The thief takes pricey organic produce and natural vitamins.
We say: Defraud your neighbors the Jack LaLanne way. John Metcalfe and Josh Levin