In: Hillcrest

Residents Are Opposing: A proposed bicycle lane on Massachusetts Avenue SE

Because: The lane knocks out street parking.

We Say: For your trouble, one free shot at dooring a biker!

In: Brightwood

Residents Are Opposing: The proposed test closure of Beach Drive

Because: “It ignores the great weight of the advisory neighborhood commission.”*

We Say: What’s an advisory neighborhood commission?

In: Takoma Park

Residents Are Opposing: Children

Because: They egg houses and, on one occasion, people.

We Say: Neighbors fight back by catapulting egg-white omelets.

In: Shepherd Park

Residents Are Opposing: Trees behind Fort Stevens Recreation Center

Because: The vegetation conceals people staging dogfights.

We Say: They’re not fighting—they’re just playing with

each other’s carotid arteries.

In: Columbia Heights

Residents Are Opposing: Public drinking

Because: “Feces and vomit will follow…”**

We Say: Can’t you hold it ’til Target gets here?

—Josh Levin

* From a Sept. 2 community meeting

** From a neighborhood electronic bulletin board