Don’t go to The Big Bounce expecting an Elmore Leonard movie: “I can’t figure out what it’s about,” the writer says on his Web site. “They keep cutting away to surfers, which has nothing to do with the story.” A remake of the 1969 Ryan O’Neal movie based on Leonard’s first crime novel, The Big Bounce repositions the action from Michigan to Hawaii and stars Owen Wilson as lovable thief Jack Ryan. As far as what it’s about…well, not much. Jack gets arrested and fired from a landscaping job for clobbering his supervisor (Vinnie Jones). Though his evil boss, Ray Ritchie (Gary Sinise), and Ray’s slimy right-hand man, Bob (Charlie Sheen), want Jack off the islands, Jack decides to stay, if only to get closer to the beanpole blonde he’s been eyeing, Nancy (Sara Foster). There’s a general narrative arc, of course—Nancy wants Jack to help her steal $200,000 from Ray—but The Big Bounce is mostly episodic, following a pattern of petty crime, scenery, awkward conversation, scenery, repeat. The dialogue is far from Leonard-crackling, and it’s sophomoric when it wants to be titillating (“Let’s do something that makes the sex better afterward!”), and the action never gets more exciting than Nancy attempting a Jack Tripper, going back and forth between rooms to entertain two of the three guys she’s schtupping without letting either know the other’s there. Worst of all, scripter Sebastian Gutierrez (Gothika) renders all of Leonard’s characters relentlessly one-dimensional—even Jack, who’s occasionally funny but more often just plain horny. Completing the why-are-they-here? cast are Bebe Neuwirth as the ditzy Mrs. Ritchie, Willie Nelson and Harry Dean Stanton as, uh, old guys, and Morgan Freeman as a typically smug district judge. Maybe those surfers weren’t such a bad idea after all. —Tricia Olszewski