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On paper, a scene involving a young American man getting anally excavated in an Amsterdam sex shop must have looked downright rib-tickling. But alas, in Eurotrip, a film about four not-so-innocents-abroad trying to get laid in London, Paris, and wherever else they can demean people who talk funny, this potentially chuckle-rich domain is wasted. Maybe it’s because Lucy Lawless plays the excavator, and she fails to display the same expansive range she did as Xena. Or maybe it’s because the kid who gets excavated (Jacob Pitts) is, at his very best, a Kmart Matthew Lillard. Oh well. As Pitts’ Cooper (catch phrase: “Hey, this isn’t where I parked my car!”) and twins Jenny (Michelle Trachtenberg) and Jamie (Travis Wester) help uninteresting pal Scott (Scott Mechlowicz) bound across Europe in search of a topless German pen pal, the high-school grads also find time to sing a Sheena Easton song with British soccer hooligans, kick a French mime in the balls, and, for the finale, set fire to the Vatican and then hump in a confessional. Oh, and the twins guzzle absinthe in a nightclub and make out with each other—but sadly, the inherent laffs of incest are botched, too. Director Jeff Schaffer has absolutely no feel for comedic pacing, comedic setups, or—oh, fuck it, he’s just not funny. And when he tries to shoehorn some heart into this Ivan Reitman–produced caca, it makes you long for the warmth of Hardbodies 2. To be fair: You might find a flicker of ha-ha in Fred Armisen’s vaudevillian portrayal of a smarmy Italian playing grab-ass on a train, and the filmmakers do take an equal-opportunity stance on gratuitous nudity. But then again, women haven’t been portrayed as this bimbo-dim since the golden age of Cinemax. Everyone involved should be ashamed of this stinkeroo, especially Matt Damon, who joins Saving Private Ryan surprise Ted Danson in the Most Awkward Cameo Hall of Fame. —Sean Daly