In: Fairlawn
Residents Are Opposing: A mailman
Because: He solicits prostitutes in his mail truck.
We Say: $3.85 for priority, $13.65 to get it certified.
In: Shepherd Park
Residents Are Opposing: Trailers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center
Because: The supposedly temporary structures have stood for three years.
We Say: Five more years and we’ll have a new Jewish holiday.
In: Ivy City
Residents Are Opposing: An advisory neighborhood commissioner
Because: The official doesn’t live in Ivy City and doesn’t come there after dark.
We Say: Kill all the vampires and then we’ll talk.
In: Randle Highlands
Residents Are Opposing: Thrill seekers on 24th Place SE
Because: They use a dip between R and S Streets to get their cars airborne.
We Say: Uncle Jesse swears they won’t do it anymore.
In: Brookland
Residents Are Opposing: An anonymous person
Because: He or she uses 12th Street NE as a personal dump.
We Say: Sometimes it’s nice to smell your own dump. —Josh Levin