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In: Fairlawn

Residents Are Opposing: A mailman

Because: He solicits prostitutes in his mail truck.

We Say: $3.85 for priority, $13.65 to get it certified.

In: Shepherd Park

Residents Are Opposing: Trailers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Because: The supposedly temporary structures have stood for three years.

We Say: Five more years and we’ll have a new Jewish holiday.

In: Ivy City

Residents Are Opposing: An advisory neighborhood commissioner

Because: The official doesn’t live in Ivy City and doesn’t come there after dark.

We Say: Kill all the vampires and then we’ll talk.

In: Randle Highlands

Residents Are Opposing: Thrill seekers on 24th Place SE

Because: They use a dip between R and S Streets to get their cars airborne.

We Say: Uncle Jesse swears they won’t do it anymore.

In: Brookland

Residents Are Opposing: An anonymous person

Because: He or she uses 12th Street NE as a personal dump.

We Say: Sometimes it’s nice to smell your own dump. —Josh Levin