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New York Minute is the most unforgivable of sins: an Olsen twins movie that did not go straight to video. How was such a thing allowed to happen? Was it to help the sisters’ most, ahem, ardent fans commemorate their looming legal status? (The countdown, at the time of publication, stands at 37 days.) Whatever the reason, the film is an even more painful experience than you might imagine. Forget the tired plot—prim, responsible Jane (Ashley) has a big day ruined courtesy of the antics of her sloppy, rock ’n’ roll sister, Roxy (Mary-Kate)—which, if executed tastefully, would have been trite but inoffensive. It’s that the filmmakers—including What a Girl Wants director Dennie Gordon and nobody scriptwriters Emily Fox, Adam Cooper, and Bill Collage—mercilessly pile on. Low points include Loveline’s Dr. Drew Pinsky as a stiff, “You girls are great!” dad; Eugene Levy as a truant officer whose obsession with nabbing high-school senior Roxy skirts stalker creepiness; and the obviously shameless Andy Richter as Bennie Bang—OK, the name is kinda funny—an Andy Richter– lookin’ limo driver who speaks with a cartoonish Asian accent. The movie’s rated PG, but there’s a little something-something for all the pervs out there, too: The girls—yes, still girls—toddle around Manhattan in heels, tiny and often wet clothes, and, for a quite a while, in nothing but a towel and a robe, which they change into after washing up in a borrowed hotel room—whose rightful occupant, Trey (Jared Padalecki), then enters and drools, “Is it my birthday?” The best attempts at humor come from lines such as “Spontaneity doesn’t just happen” and “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name—is it Loser?” But by the time New York Minute delivers its “I thought today was about [blank], but it was really about [blank]” moral, you’ll be ready to take Bang at his word: “I am torturing you. It’s unbearable!” —Tricia Olszewski