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In: Shepherd Park

Residents Are Opposing: A manhole at 31st Street and Military Road

Because: Water has been gushing from it for four months.

We Say: Alchemists pan for lead, rush philosopher’s stone to scene.

In: Congress Park

Residents Are Opposing: A late-model purple Cadillac

Because: It’s been spotted at the scenes of three shootings.

We Say: Police department suspects Barney, Prince, and the Grape Ape.

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In: Brightwood

Residents Are Opposing: A group house

Because: Its occupants lie outside on the lawn in the middle of the day.

We Say: Local palm-frond-wavers union ecstatic.

In: Tenleytown

Residents Are Opposing: Sidwell Friends School

Because: A new “meeting house” will be located too close to a historic house.

We Say: Quaker zoning meeting quiet on the issue.

In: Marshall Heights

Residents Are Opposing: Local toughs

Because: They engage in paintball drive-bys.

We Say: And they don’t even aim at that house with the chipped molding. —Josh Levin