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In: Shepherd Park
Residents Are Opposing: A manhole at 31st Street and Military Road
Because: Water has been gushing from it for four months.
We Say: Alchemists pan for lead, rush philosopher’s stone to scene.
In: Congress Park
Residents Are Opposing: A late-model purple Cadillac
Because: It’s been spotted at the scenes of three shootings.
We Say: Police department suspects Barney, Prince, and the Grape Ape.
In: Brightwood
Residents Are Opposing: A group house
Because: Its occupants lie outside on the lawn in the middle of the day.
We Say: Local palm-frond-wavers union ecstatic.
In: Tenleytown
Residents Are Opposing: Sidwell Friends School
Because: A new “meeting house” will be located too close to a historic house.
We Say: Quaker zoning meeting quiet on the issue.
In: Marshall Heights
Residents Are Opposing: Local toughs
Because: They engage in paintball drive-bys.
We Say: And they don’t even aim at that house with the chipped molding. —Josh Levin