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It never fails: You meet a mysterious stranger at goth nite, invite her back to your place, and wake up with two holes in your neck and a scribbled note reading, “Thanks for the good time. Don’t eat that leftover garlic bread in the fridge.” But before that first bloodthirsty craving sets in, panic hits: Can I still smoke if I don’t breathe anymore? Does my lack of flowing blood mean I can’t get drunk? Sweet Christ—am I impotent? Where is a new member of the undead community supposed to go in search of answers to such pressing questions? Buffy reruns? Contemporary Hollywood’s got so many conflicting viewpoints on the rules and regulations of being a vampire that it’s best to stick with the classics. Luckily, everything you need to know to lead a fulfilling unholy existence will be revealed at the Goethe-Institut’s Fang Film Fest. Discover the secret to closing on the perfect mountainside castle in F. W. Murnau’s 1922 Nosferatu the Vampire (pictured; at 8:30 p.m. Friday, May 21). Afterward, learn Francis Ford Coppola’s top-10 tips for injecting a little passion back into your love life in 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula (at 10:30 p.m. Friday, May 21). Pesky vampire hunters got you down? Roman Polanski’s 1967 spoof The Fearless Vampire Killers (at 6:30 p.m. Friday, May 21) will teach you how stay two corpses ahead of those wooden-stake-wielding do-gooders. And Tony Scott’s 1983 cult classic The Hunger (at 8 p.m. Thursday, May 20) proves that a good sense of style can be just as effective as stealth when it comes to nabbing top-choice neck. Don’t forget your sunscreen when the festival opens Thursday, May 20, and runs to Monday, May 24 (see Showtimes for a full schedule), at the Goethe-Institut’s Goethe-Forum, 812 7th St. NW. $5. (202) 289-1200. (Matthew Borlik)