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There are a plethora of Web sites where people can go to gawk at real-life grotesqueries for free; if only there were such a service for films. No one, after all, should have to pay to see the train wreck that is White Chicks. Of course, if one-liners about interracial sex are your thing (“You know what they say: Once you go black, you’ll need a wheelchair”), then it won’t matter to you that Keenen Ivory Wayans’ writing and direction never rise above the low-water mark. The rest of us, meanwhile, will marvel at his remarkable ability to arrange clichés and telegraph plot developments you really shouldn’t see coming. The movie centers on the misadventures of two FBI agents (co-scripters Shawn and Marlon Wayans), whose repeated assignment-botching is about to get them fired. To get back in the chief’s good graces, they agree to play a minor role in an attempt to foil a kidnapping plot: All they have to do is fetch hotel heiresses the Wilson sisters—not-so-subtle caricatures of Paris and Nicky—at the airport and escort them to the Hamptons for the weekend. Nothing could be simpler—until an accident leaves the sisters with some socially debilitating scratches. With the brats now balking at being seen, the obvious notion occurs to our heroes: They will outfit themselves as “white chicks” and infiltrate elite society—portrayed here as an entire community of Hilton sisters, only shriller and more clothed—to bait the kidnappers. In director Wayans’ normally capable hands—he was the wit behind blaxploitation spoof I’m Gonna Git You Sucka and the prime mover of sketch-comedy show In Living Color—the potential for satire is almost entirely squandered. What White Chicks lacks, appropriately enough, is color. Aside from an inspired riff on thin women with weight issues, the movie mostly settles for tired tropes: Guys shit when they go to the bathroom; women gossip. Even the physical humor is sluggish, especially in the You Got Served–esque “battle” between the Wilson crew and archrivals the Vandergeld sisters. At least when South Park did it, somebody died at the end. —Chris Hagan