Hot off the presses: The D.C. Commission on the Arts and Humanities (DCCAH) recently issued 150,000 copies of its Official Guide to PandaMania. Now available at area Metro stations, the foldable maps are intended to help readers “plan your panda safari” to 150 bear sites this summer.

But who has time for that? A “safari,” frankly, sounds far too involved for the District’s on-the-go denizens. No, they need something that fits into their busy schedules—something like, say, a panda pub crawl. After all, the public-art project is already a big hit with the city’s nightlifers.

Nine bears, so far, have been battered since PandaMania began two months ago. And all the incidents have one thing in common: “They’ve all been in locations where there are bars,” notes DCCAH project manager Alexandra MacMaster.

The city really should capitalize on the pandas’ apparent popularity among area boozehounds. It seems in keeping with the project’s mission: “PandaMania,” according to the new brochure, “presents creative works of art that you can admire as you turn a street corner, enter a Metro station, or visit a neighborhood”—or stumble out of Sign of the Whale totally fitshaced.

Here, then, is the Washington City Paper’s own guide, which plots out the pandas you just can’t miss. Trust us: The vandals didn’t, and they were probably pretty hammered at the time.

—Chris Shott

Victim: Freedom Panda

by Lynda Andrews-Barry

Location: 901 F St. NW (across from the Gordon Biersch Brewery Restaurant)

Injuries: Stripped of Native

American–style headdress and more than a dozen stars that adorned its helmet and shield.

Diagnosis: Though organizers promised a quick fix, the actual reconstruction effort suggests a new title: Operation Iraqi Freedom Panda.

Victim: Cro-Magnon Panda

by Anne Currie

Location: 1260 Connecticut Ave. NW (not far from Lucky Bar, 18th Street Lounge, and Club Five)*

Injuries: Two bird sculptures pulled off head and left shoulder. Right ear also ripped off.

Diagnosis: Now it knows how Panda Van Gogh feels.

*Currently convalescing inside the Shops at 2000 Penn in Foggy Bottom.

Victim: Ti-Bet Your Life

by Catherine Hillis

Location: Corner of 19th Street and Connecticut Avenue NW (near Buffalo Billiards and the Front Page)

Injuries: Robbed of eyeglasses.

Diagnosis: Groucho Marx reference now lost on all passers-by.

Victim: Booted

by Francisco Quintanilla

Location: Corner of 12th and F Streets NW (across from Polly Esther’s and Tequila Beach)*

Injuries: Left foot severed during parking-boot removal.

Diagnosis: They really should have read the part that says, “WARNING: DO NOT MOVE…MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS DAMAGE.”

*Currently convalescing inside the Shops at 2000 Penn in Foggy Bottom.

Victim: Bear Naked Ladies

by the Patapsco High School and Center for the Arts

Location: Corner of Newark Street and Connecticut Avenue NW (just steps away from Ireland’s Four Provinces Restaurant and Pub)

Injuries: Graffito scrawled across its nose.

Diagnosis: Markings now washed off—allowing uncensored views of skin-showin’ vignettes The Valipcon Panda and Rape of the Panda.

Victim: Will You Miss Us?

by Jeannette Murphy

Location: Corner of 24th Street and Connecticut Avenue NW (across from Sake Club)

Injuries: “Somebody,” MacMaster says, “stabbed this panda all the way around his neck and his back.”

Diagnosis: Still standing despite significant paint loss. O.J. Simpson acquitted on all charges.

Victims: Pandillusion

by Emily Tellez and

PANANmania by Olivier Dupeyron

Location: Opposite corners of L Street and Connecticut Avenue NW (near Mackey’s Public House)

Injuries: Black-markered Arabic scrawled across faces. DCCAH translator deemed the messages “derogatory toward women.”

Diagnosis: Both scrubbed clean of graffiti. Still occasionally smacked by passing females.

Victim: For a Living Planet

by David Ciommo

Location: 1250 24th St. NW (right next to Agua Ardiente Restaurant and Lounge)

Injuries: Blue-and-green puzzle piece pried off base of jigsaw-globe design.

Diagnosis: Priceless artwork reduced to thrift-store bargain.

Look for it right next to the 999-piece Man From Atlantis puzzle.

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