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Only here, only in this wonk-choked alternate reality we call Washington, could anyone imagine that the “stylish townhomes” of various secretaries of state are the kind of thing a tourist might want to burn off those Smithsonian-hot-dog calories trying to find. Henry Kissinger’s pad, maybe, if only on the chance you’d get to hiss at the wily bastard as he collected his morning Post. But honestly: Chez Cyrus Vance? Who gives a shit? Anthony Pitch is who: “Washington’s most acclaimed specialist tour guide” leads various themed “anecdotal history tours,” including walks focused on “The Burning of Washington 1814,” “The Curse of Lafayette Square,” and today, “Georgetown Homes of the Famous and Infamous.” No word on which category Sally Quinn’s place falls into, but it’s on the tour; so are residences once associated with spy-or-victim Alger Hiss, Watergate felon John Mitchell, and the indomitable Dolley Madison. Oh, and “the love nest of a middle-aged baron and his teenaged wife, dubbed ‘Beauty and the Beast.’” By, one assumes, Sally Quinn—but you’ll want to check that out when Pitch starts the tour at 11 a.m. at the steps of the Georgetown Branch Library, R Street and Wisconsin Avenue NW. $15. (301) 294-9514. (Trey Graham)