18

SATURDAY

Let’s face it, bros—any dude who tells you he lasted longer than two minutes his first time in bed is a fucking liar. Such tales of sexual conquest may fly in the boys’ locker room in junior high—but by graduation, everyone knows that for each minute over two you say you went, you subtract a second. (Which, mathematically speaking, means that if you say you went two hours and three minutes, you actually didn’t get your pants off in time.) Unlike her ’80s-pop-culture/teen-angst-comedy-making male counterpart John Hughes (who curiously skirted the issue), Fast Times at Ridgemont High director Amy Heckerling is not willing to pass up on the excruciating embarrassment of early sexual futility. As a result, such bedroom misadventures—easily among the worst of all growing pains for the adolescent male—deservedly receive as much screen time as the more well-explored issues of teenage alienation, confusion, and high-larious drug abuse over the course of the cult classic’s 90 minutes. Which, incidentally, is how long I lasted my first time. Bring your stopwatch when the film screens at midnight at Landmark’s E Street Cinema, 555 11th St. NW. $6.75. (202) 452-7672. (Matthew Borlik)