City Paper is not for tourists
In: Capitol View
Residents are complaining about: Newly redrawn police-service-area boundaries
Because:They will hurt the ’hood’s crime statistics.
We Say: Just a little bit more gerrymandering, that now encompass Benning Heightsand I think we can squeeze in Tenleytown.
In: Bethesda, Md.
Residents are complaining about: A proposed “sludge factory”
Because: It might emit noxious odors.
We Say: No, that was me. My bad.
Residents are complaining about: A planned redesign of the Anacostia Library
Because: It will look like a warehouse.
We Say: When the real-estate market takes off, they can do a loft conversion.
Residents are complaining about: Ward 5 Councilmember Vincent B. Orange’s Halloween party
Because: It robbed the area of trick-or-treaters.
We Say: The Orange shindig only blew up because Mendelson was handing out yogurt-covered raisins.
In: Cleveland Park
Residents are complaining about: Sidewalks of varying hues
Because: “[I]t makes us look so raggamuffiny, Third World.”
We Say: The Thai food’s better in Bangkok, too.