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In: Capitol View

Residents are complaining about: Newly redrawn police-service-area boundaries

Because:They will hurt the ’hood’s crime statistics.

We Say: Just a little bit more gerrymandering, that now encompass Benning Heightsand I think we can squeeze in Tenleytown.

In: Bethesda, Md.

Residents are complaining about: A proposed “sludge factory”

Because: It might emit noxious odors.

We Say: No, that was me. My bad.

In: Anacostia

Residents are complaining about: A planned redesign of the Anacostia Library

Because: It will look like a warehouse.

We Say: When the real-estate market takes off, they can do a loft conversion.

In: Brookland

Residents are complaining about: Ward 5 Councilmember Vincent B. Orange’s Halloween party

Because: It robbed the area of trick-or-treaters.

We Say: The Orange shindig only blew up because Mendelson was handing out yogurt-covered raisins.

In: Cleveland Park

Residents are complaining about: Sidewalks of varying hues

Because: “[I]t makes us look so raggamuffiny, Third World.”

We Say: The Thai food’s better in Bangkok, too.

—Josh Levin