City Paper is not for tourists
For many a busy Washingtonian, a new year brings new responsibilities—and what better way to keep track of when your presence is required at Jaleo or Judiciary Square than with a calendar that displays your local pride? And Washingtonians have plenty to be proud of: From our frequently swept streets to our local lingerie models to our finest posthardcore groups, there’s little about where we live that doesn’t deserve to be tacked up over the telephone. Our glossy-pic possibilities are so numerous, in fact, that it would take a lot longer than 12 months to shoot and shrink-wrap them all. See if you can guess which of these examples of quirky calendrical artistry actually exist and which are figments of our imagination:
Lizz Robbins knows how helpful a good pair of consonants can be to a gal. After all, the 30-year-old Silver Spring native surely didn’t become Pretty Lesbian on the latest season of The Wire or JET magazine’s Beauty of the Week back on Oct. 21, 2002, through God-given talent alone. In showbiz, the numbers count for a lot, too, and this modeling and music-video vet knows ’em, from the humble verse of 2 Corinthians 9:15 all the way up to those flaunt-worthy 36D-24-38 measurements. Not that the Lizz Robbins 2005 Bikini Calendar shows off too much, despite the inclusion of one wet ’n’ wild shot that has already been viewed 4,789 times online: As the devout Miss L proclaims on her Web site, “Nudity will not be considered.”
Why wait a whole week to get your fix of precious pooch pics? The Sunday Source PetSet Pooches: Dog Days of 2005 Deluxe Wall Calendar and K-9 411 is stocked with hundreds of cutesy-pootsy animal portraits, including close-ups of both that unidentified canine in touristy shades from the Dec. 19, 2004, Washington Post and Paris Hilton’s abhorrently adorable Chihuahua, Tinkerbell. Naturally, each mutt shot is paired with one of the Source’s cleverest captions, from the unadorned “Hey, poochy, come here often?” to the more ornately wrought “I’m ready for a big fat smooch now that my hellacious halitosis is history.” In the margins, you’ll find thoughtful tips on everything from chasing down your escaped greyhound to slapping your veterinarian with a malpractice suit. The calendar also marks a number of observances that less pet-friendly offerings might miss, such as the 7th annual Take Your Dog to Work Day (June 24) and, even more important, Scooby Doo’s birthday (Sept. 13).
September is the month to honor meter people. At least according to the District of Columbia Department of Public Works, which pays prominent homage to the city’s most reviled employees in its colorful, 31-page 2005 wall calendar. Produced with $90,000 in storm-water fees and an eye on public education, the calendar also offers fun facts about recycling (“[t]he original Slinky is made in the USA from recycled North American steel”) and answers to such conundrums as how to dispose of insulin needles. Those interested in the history of D.C. maintenance are rewarded not only with archival images of old-school street sweepers standing next to their wagons, but also with more up-to-date shots of the storied Nuisance Abatement Team in action. But the greatest artistic triumph is the series of neo-expressionist woodcuts economically depicting such abstract concepts as household hazardous waste and bulk-trash collection.
’Trane. Bird. Bill Clinton. Voluptuous Vixen Kristin Jackson. These are some of the names you associate with the saxophone, no? If so, then Washington-area wine purveyor, photographer, and sax player Jeff Gray’s 2005 Vintage Sax Calendar is just what your home or work-station walls are lacking. After all, what other daily planner will have your family members or co-workers asking, “Is that a nipple or a key?” Boasting “12 elegant photos each featuring a classic vintage saxophone tastefully paired with a modern beauty in a unique scene” and “ample space to mark your gigs and other special events,” this lavish black-and-white publication is a must for those who not only take their Ornette Coleman with a side of Victoria’s Secret, but also don’t stop thinkin’ about tomorrow.
Tools of the Trade Publishing’s 2005 D.C. calendar offers a fact-filled tweak of the oversexed-construction-worker cliché with this photo-filled tribute to urban redevelopment. Part weekly planner, part builder’s handbook, and part beefcake pictorial, the invaluable resource reminds D.C.’s gentrifiers of important dates (Douglas Jemal’s birthday!), has a handy list of private cell-phone numbers (George Washington University President Stephen Joel Trachtenberg!), and features models clothed in nothing but the latest in protective gear (the Red Wing Electrical Hazard Resistant 9-Inch Logger!). It’s illustrated throughout with professional-quality photos of the folks who are actually responsible for the rebirth of Washington: heavily muscled, scantily clad, and deeply beautiful construction workers.
This year, the nonprofit Northwest Youth Alliance is trying something different to keep the annual Fort Reno summer concert series afloat. Originally conceived as a more traditional pinup-style publication featuring such babelicious Reno-ites as Mary Timony posing in provocative fantasy settings, the new Fort Reno 2005 Calendar & Almanac presents something far less patriarchal and unicorn-based. Indeed, this Old Farmer’s Almanac– modeled calendar seems much more in tune with Mother Earth: In addition to the complete 2005 Fort Reno schedule and live-action shots of local favorites from years past, it features weather predictions for the coming season. Bring an umbrella, folks: Mondays and Thursdays between June and August look like they’re gonna be wet ones. Also included is a Fugazi sticker to be affixed to the date of the as-yet-unbroken-up band’s as-yet-unscheduled “annual” performance, which will likely occur during a lightning storm.
Art accompanying story in the printed newspaper is not available in this archive: Gus D’Angelo.