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This afternoon, two very well-meaning authors, Linda Gordon and Susan Shaffer, present a discussion of their new books, Why Boys Don’t Talk—and Why It Matters and Why Girls Talk—and What They’re Really Saying. But let me help shed some light on the mystery for you right now. I know what girls are really saying, because they vocalize the entirety of what pops into their heads. And, in case you missed something, they then proceed to verbally piece it together for you with the utmost thoroughness. Now, boys, on the other hand, don’t talk, because they are sitting next to someone who’s talking the paint off of the walls, making it hard to get a word in edgewise. Boys are also emotional retards who keep everything buried inside. This collision of wills produces the cyclical effect of making girls talk even more, thus making boys talk even less, which leads to girls’ getting upset at boys’ indifference and silence. In short: Boys should learn how to properly open up and girls should learn that not every single thing that comes out of their exhausted mouths warrants a response. Then again, maybe boys just shouldn’t be such complete assholes. Gordon and Shaffer explain it all at 1 p.m. at Politics and Prose, 5015 Connecticut Ave. NW. Free. (202) 364-1919. (Andrew Earles)