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On Feb. 18, the Metropolitan Police Department (MPD) announced it would unveil stationary speed cameras at four locations across the District. That brings the total number of photographic devices used by the city to catch traffic violators to 52—encompassing eight mobile speed units, 39 red-light cameras (though, according to the MPD’s Web site, two are currently out of service) and the one stationary speed camera that was in use before Feb. 18. Critics have pointed to the hassles such cameras create for vehicle owners who innocently lend their cars to miscreants and a possible increase in the number of rear-end collisions at red-light-camera intersections as reasons to re-evaluate expanding the system.

But until such a study can be completed, the penetrating, revenue-raising gaze of Big Brother will continue to threaten not-quite-law-abiding District motorists. Although local media have printed maps specifying where the cameras will be placed, the Washington City Paper recognizes the need for an even more user-friendly guide. That is, customized routes that are free of photographic traffic enforcement. The following directions plot paths from key city hot spots—the Tivoli Theater in Columbia Heights, the South Capitol Street corridor, and the Skyland shopping center in Hillcrest—to the city’s center, where residents may present complaints to their councilmembers in person at the John A. Wilson Building. Because the mobile speed units could be anywhere along the city’s major thoroughfares, our suggested routes avoid arteries where possible, opting instead for capillaries. This may lead to, in some cases, minor traffic-law infractions. But at least an actual officer will have to catch you, and when was the last time that happened? CP

Tivoli Theater

Head East on Monroe Street NW .27 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto 11th Street NW .64 miles 2 minutes

Turn Left onto Girard Street NW .07 miles 0 minutes

Turn Left onto Sherman Avenue NW

.04 miles 0 minutes

Turn Right (WRONG WAY) onto Gresham Place NW .24 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto Georgia Avenue NW

.02 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right (WRONG WAY) onto Gresham Place NW .22 miles 1 minute

Turn Right on 5th Street NW .2 miles 1 minute

5th St. NW becomes 4th Street NW .47 miles 2 minutes

Turn Right (WRONG WAY) on Oakdale Place NW .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto 5th Street NW

.05 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto U Street NW .12 miles 1 minute

Bear Left onto Bohrer Street NW

.04 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto Florida Avenue NW

.03 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right (WRONG WAY) onto T Street NW .34 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto Wiltberger Street NW

.07 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto S Street NW .39 miles 2 minutes

Turn Left onto 11th Street NW

.02 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

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Bear Right onto Vermont Avenue NW

.32 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto 12th Street NW .3 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto N Street NW .3 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto 14th Street NW .9 miles 4 minutes

Turn Left onto Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Arrive at 1350 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Total: 5.11 miles, 20 minutes*

South Capitol Street (baseball stadium, Waterside Mall)

Head West on N Street SE .19 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto Canal Street SW .05 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right (WRONG WAY) onto Delaware Avenue SW .23 miles 2 minutes

Turn Left onto K Street SW .16 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto Wesley Place SW .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto I Street SW .08 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto Makemie Place SW .08 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto 6th Street SW .08 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto I Street SW .09 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto 7th Street SW .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto Maine Avenue SW .18 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto 9th Street SW .08 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto L’Enfant Promenade SW .18 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto Independence Avenue SW .12 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto 12th Street SW .1 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left (WRONG WAY) onto Jefferson Drive SW .18 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto 14th Street SW .43 miles 2 minutes

Turn Right onto Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Arrive at 1350 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Total: 2.35 miles, 13 minutes*

Skyland shopping center

Head north-northeast on Alabama Avenue SE .2 miles 1 minute

Turn Left (WRONG WAY 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.) onto 30th Street SE .18 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto Fort Baker Drive SE .2 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto 28th Street SE .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Bear Left onto Hillcrest Drive SE .25 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto R Street SE .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left (WRONG WAY) onto 28th Place SE

.06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto Q Street SE .08 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto 30th Street SE .2 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto Anacostia Road SE .18 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Bear Right onto M Street SE .09 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto 33rd Place SE .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto Loud Place SE .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right (WRONG WAY) onto Anacostia Road SE

.12 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto Fort Dupont Drive SE .6 miles 3 minutes

Turn Left onto Fort Davis Drive SE .42 miles 2 minutes

Turn Left onto Ridge Road SE .18 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left (WRONG WAY AFTER CROSSING MINNESOTA AVENUE) onto Ely Place SE .5 miles 3 minutes

Turn Right onto 33rd Street SE .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto D Street SE .08 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Sharp Left onto Railroad Tracks

.8 miles 5 minutes

Turn Sharp Right onto Access Road .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto Kentucky Avenue SE .18 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto 16th Street SE .36 miles 2 minutes

Turn Left onto C Street SE .33 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto 13th Street SE .09 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto D Street SE .23 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto 10th Street SE .09 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto E Street SE .19 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto 7th Street SE .1 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto Ellen Wilson Place SE .09 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto 6th Street SE .09 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto E Street SE .2 miles 1 minute

Turn Left onto 2nd Street SE .04 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right (WRONG WAY) onto Duddington Place SE .06 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto 1st Street SE .09 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto D Street SE .18 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Right onto Washington Avenue SW .16 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left onto C Street SW .2 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto 4th Street SW .1 miles LESS THAN 1 MINUTE

Turn Left (WRONG WAY) onto Jefferson Drive SW

.26 miles 1 minute

Turn Right onto 14th Street SW .43 miles 2 minutes

Turn Right onto Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Arrive at 1350 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Total: 7.97 miles, 40 minutes*

*Mileage and times are estimated