As I sat reading the Washington City Paper’s recent article about failed career moves (“Washington’s Worst Career Moves,” 4/8), I could not help but think about the Montreal Expos’—excuse me, the Washington Nationals’—move to D.C. Or is it the Potomac Nationals? Well, that’s the minor-league team, but local newscasters keep mixing up the names, all the while trying to reassure us we are not getting sloppy seconds with the former Expos.
Personally, given the choice—and if I cared—I’d have preferred the major-league team be called the Potomac Nationals, or, better still, the Rationals. Why, you ask? This would be both a nod to the modern ideas, romantic and rational, that inspired our nation and its founders.
However, with the thrill of the carefully manufactured popularity of an unproven entity sweeping the region, I thought maybe we should also reconsider the recently unveiled mascot in light of the new proposed name. When “Rationals” gets abbreviated, as it inevitably would be, it becomes both a literal and metaphorical nod to D.C.’s most abundant animal life: the rats. We would have a 6-foot critter named Ralph the Rabid Rodent (who wore a suit and had a day job on the Hill). After a particularly good (or bad) game, instead of getting “drunk,” we could all go out and get “rat-assed.”
And “Washington’s Worst Career Moves” gave me another brilliant idea: Instead of the plastic rats flung out during Florida Panthers’ hockey games, we could throw genuine dead rats onto the field after a home run. Maybe we’d stand a chance at getting the rat population under control that way. Who’s with me here?