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Jessica Cutler wants you to know that she’s gorgeous. In The Washingtonienne, Cutler’s debut “novel,” her not-at-all-veiled alter ego, Jacqueline Turner, declares herself smokin’ several times, along with other more dubiously yay-me! tidbits—such as the night she drank a $300 bottle of wine and vomited on her way to an interview the next morning, yet “still made it on time, looking damn near perfect.” Well, I feel much better about Cutler’s book deal now. In case you missed it, Cutler is the former Capitol Hill aide who, at the age of 26, was thrust into the spotlight when the public got wind of her dirty, dirty blog—intended just for friends, of course—which dished about all the politicos she bedded and accepted money from. Naturally, first came scandal, then came the publishing houses. Which is fine, but Jessica, please do everyone a favor: Call yourself an opportunist, say you’ve written a tell-all, but please, O Gorgeous One, don’t anoint yourself a novelist. According to the author bio, Cutler “remains unemployed in Washington, D.C.” Jess, darling, I refer you to your hussy heroine’s question: “Do you ever feel like you’re not accomplishing anything at all?” Cutler reads at 7 p.m. at Olsson’s Books and Records, 418 7th St. NW. Free. (202) 638-7610. (Tricia Olszewski)