There’s still time to nominate local icons for Best of D.C.
Background: Not long ago, a certain woman went from being my brother’s “fuck buddy” to being his girlfriend. From what I can tell, she is GGG (or maybe he is) and they have a creative sex life. I am in my mid-30s; my brother and his girlfriend are in their early 40s.
So here I am, finding this woman very attractive. She’s good-looking, smart, and very sexy. When we were all out together this weekend, she put her hand on my arm, made positive comments about my looks, and, when we were crossing a busy street, held my hand. I know this just shows that she’s a warm, affectionate person, but it affected me very strongly.
Would it be out of line for me to tell her I’m attracted to her? Alternately, could I tell my brother that his girlfriend is awesome? Or should I keep it to myself and fantasize?—Lustful Little Brother
Forgive me, LLB, for what is bound to be subpar advice.
In an effort to ensure that my son is as gay as a goose when he grows up, my boyfriend and I bought season tickets to a Major League Baseball franchise. When I was a kid I hated going to ballgames with my dad and brothers—oh, the tedium!—but my son loves ’em, so his gay dads go to ballgames. I actually enjoy going now that I’m a grown-up. The difference? Beer. Unlike my grandparents, siblings, uncles, and cousins, however, I drink in moderation, which at the ballpark works out to one beer every other inning. Well, last night’s game went into extra innings, so I had extra beers, and now I’m so hung over I can barely hold my head up. It hurts to think, and I probably shouldn’t be operating a laptop in this condition, but, hey, deadlines are deadlines.
So your brother’s girlfriend holds your hand when you cross the street. Hmm. That could mean she’s attracted to you, LLB, or it could mean that she thinks you’re a ’tard who needs help crossing the street. Combined with those other gestures—touching you, paying you compliments—I’d guess it’s the former. So what do you do? Well, gee. I dunno. What’s your brother like? If he’s the jealous, violent type, you might not want to hit on his girlfriend, however GGG he and/or she are/is. If he’s sweet and generous and a bit of a freak, go ahead and hit on her—but get your brother’s permission first.
This woman may not be in the picture for long, but your brother is going to be your brother forever, so it’s important that you handle these potentially explosive negotiations with care. Don’t say, “Can I fuck your girlfriend, bro?” Say something equally blunt but noncommittal, something like, “Your girlfriend is hot, bro, and she’s a total flirt.” This statement will be met with silence, a rebuke, or an admission on your brother’s part that his girlfriend, indeed, is hot and a flirt and, if you’re lucky, just as interested in you as you are in her.
Oh, and for the record: No one I know who’s had a three-way with a sibling looks back on the incident with fondness. No brotherly tag-teaming, OK?—Dan
My boyfriend and I are 18, and we’re in love. We’ve been together for almost four years. He recently decided that he is against abortion, to the point that he won’t have sex with me unless I agree to have the kid if I get pregnant. I told him there’s no way I can agree to that. It’s my choice what I want to do with my body, but he says it’s his choice if he wants to stop having sex with me because he disagrees with my views on the matter. (Which is something he read in your column, BTW.) Where do I go from here? I can’t be celibate until I’m ready to have a kid. But I don’t want to break up with someone I love because of a sincere moral disagreement. What now?
—One Boy’s Girl Yearns Nervously
As a general rule, OBGYN, fertile pro-choice girls shouldn’t have premarital sex with controlling anti-choice boys. But you love him, and sometimes love makes exceptions. So if you do stay with him, and you agree and/or pretend to agree to his conditions, and you get pregnant, and you do decide to have an abortion, what the hell is he going to do about it? Lock you in the trunk of his car for nine months? Whatever you tell him now, it will still be your body, and your choice, then. Use condoms, take the pill, get a diaphragm, cross your fingers, and fuck his brains out.—Dan
Hey, dude! When I’m doing the deed with my girlfriend she makes a shitload of noise. Plus, I can’t concentrate and come. Personally, I think she’s faking her orgasms. How can I prove it?—Boom Box
How about a brain scan? Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands announced last week that a simple brain scan can detect when women are faking orgasms. In the kind of science that just isn’t being done in the United States anymore, dozens of British women underwent brain scans while their partners “manually stimulated them.” In a finding that should discomfort men everywhere, professor Gert Holstege told the BBC that “women can imitate orgasm quite well.” But when women have actual orgasms, said the prof, “we see an extreme deactivation of large portions of the brain.” Don’t laugh, guys—at least women’s brains are active before and after orgasm.—Dan
Just a note on your advice to Pre-Menstrual Sissy, the man whose Mistress ordered him to put tampons in his ass: There are reasons why he should be careful, aside from constipation and its “getting lost.” Primarily, the rectum is not self-lubricating, unlike the vagina, and a dry tampon in a dry rectum can cause adhesion problems. If he sticks it up there, he could easily have the upper cotton layers bonded inside his ass. This is less than comfortable and can cause infections. I would suggest that he lubricate the tampon with Vaseline or a similar substance before insertion.—Tampon Play Troubles
Here’s some extra advice for Pre-Menstrual Sissy, and also info that your menstruating readers might be interested in. Traditional tampons or pads have rayon in them. Your body can absorb the rayon from the tampons. Often this causes cramps and discomfort, because your body really is not made to be absorbing rayon. Sissy might want to go to a natural-food store or co-op and get unbleached cotton tampons. Sissy could also tie something to the end of the tampon string to keep it from getting lost in his rectum. Maybe Mistress can think of something extra humiliating?
As a physician and a submissive crossdresser, I thought you would like my perspective on rectal tampons. First, I agree with you completely that PMS should do as he’s told! Second, I follow some common-sense guidelines for all inserted objects. Nothing sharp or breakable. Clean it. Lubricate it. Remove it. Clean it again (or discard it). I remove tampons after a few hours. First-timers should figure out how a tampon works before actually inserting it, and experiment with different positions (lying on your side or back, on all fours) for insertion. And, most important, don’t forget to leave the little string hanging out!—Tampons Allow Men Periods of Naughtiness
Thanks for sharing, TPT, BH, and TAMPON—nothing alleviates the nausea of a hangover like the mental images your letters conjured up.—Dan Savage
Dan Savage’s Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton) is available at bookstores nationwide. Send your Savage Love questions to email@example.com.