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Apple pie, my ass; deep-fry that pie and maybe we’ll talk. America is about cheeseburgers and boobies. Our right to trans fats and toplessness reflects the glorious tradition of American excess. And someone better clue in the prez fast, before he permanently prudes up our cherished American way. It’s only a matter of time before the religious right, unsated by legislating away a woman’s rights to her body’s southern hemisphere, turn two bashful eyes upward. Candace Keegan & Co. have a tits-out plan to stop them. “Angst for the Mammaries” collects the paintings and photographs of four artists addressing a growing discomfort with the artistic depiction of bare breasts. A historic staple subject, the twins have come under increased scrutiny in the art world as spiraling conservatism continues to kick the crap out of personal expression. Keegan fights back with whimsical portraits of a topless, pigtailed woman-child spiked with self-aware humor that defies an X rating. We’re neck-deep in swampy D.C. summer, so enjoy some melons while you still can. The show is on view from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. (see City List for other gallery times) at the Touchstone Gallery, 406 7th St. NW. Free. (202) 347-2787. (Kara McPhillips)