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With the possible exceptions of Lladró figurines and Star Trek, no trash-cultural artifact inspires devotees as unwavering as those of the original Dukes of Hazzard. Pity the poor bastards, then, who try to exploit our affections with a high-stakes big-screen knockoff—especially one that ends up a total car wreck. In the movie version, cousins Bo (Seann William Scott) and Luke (Johnny Knoxville) are a couple of badass moonshiners who spend their days tearing up the road and racking up the babes. The good-ol’-boy fun comes to an end, however, when greedy Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds) evicts the Dukes from their land in a scheme to turn Hazzard County into one big strip mine. Naturally, there’s only one thing that can stop him. (Cue the General Lee.) But the problem with The Dukes of Hazzard isn’t the clunkily updated rednecks-are-environmentalists-too! storyline. Instead, it’s the oddly unsympathetic way in which Starsky & Hutch scripter John O’Brien has refashioned the Dukes themselves. In his reimagined Hazzard, the lovable Duke boys are a hillbilly Beavis and Butt-Head, Bo a beady-eyed maniac channeling his sexual frustrations into a beat-up automobile, Luke a menacing Lothario deflowering every girl in town. Even the beloved Uncle Jesse (Willie Nelson), heretofore best known for his Christlike conjuring of lost sheep, has devolved into a toker prone to cursing and Viagra jokes. (Yes, he is the one who calls Roscoe a “fat sack of shit.” And tells the one about what you get when you cross a donkey with an onion.) Rather than summoning the playful Smokey and the Bandit vibe that made the series such a lasting hit, director Jay Chandrasekhar delivers an alternately slapstick and creepy whatsis closer to Dude, Where’s My Deliverance? Not even the preternaturally perky Jessica Simpson, who displays some nice hams (if paltry acting chops) in those famous Daisy Dukes, can do much to brighten this thing. Should any real Dukes of Hazzard fans make it to the theater, every one of them should be hoping against hope that, just this once, the General Lee fails to clear that ravine. —Mario Correa