I’m a smoker who has decided it’s time to quit. But my boyfriend has a smoking fetish. He likes it when I smoke while we’re having sex; he likes to jerk off and watch me smoke; he likes me to smoke and give him oral sex at the same time. His porn collection is all smoking-related. I’ve really enjoyed participating in this fetish. However, I know I must quit. He has suggested that I might be able to smoke only on occasion, but I know I can’t. I am an addict, and I know that I won’t able to smoke “just one” during sex. I am worried that my boyfriend will lose interest when I quit smoking. I know he loves me, but I’m worried that his fetish is strong enough to ruin our relationship if it’s not fulfilled. Can a guy get over his fetish? Is there a way to replace his need for smoking with something that won’t kill me? Or should I quit smoking and him at the same time?—Committed to Quitting
Guys don’t ever get over their fetishes, CTQ, so I would urge you to quit smoking and quit the boyfriend at the same time. However fond he is of you, your boyfriend’s smoking fetish predates your relationship, and I guarantee you that it will postdate your relationship. If you attempt to stay together after you’ve quit, your boyfriend will either sabotage your resolve or your relationship. One way or the other, your boyfriend is going to be with a smoker. If you’re serious about not smoking, he’s not going to be with you. And if you find yourself tempted to take up smoking again to please him, just remind yourself that no man is worth the risks. Cigarettes are disgusting, deadly, and addictive. Everyone everywhere should stop smoking this instant.
Oh, and apropos of nothing: Shaunti Feldhahn, “a conservative Christian author and speaker, and married mother of two,” recently wrote an op-ed touting conversion therapy for homosexuals. I speak for all gay people everywhere when I say that I’m sick to fucking death of listening to straight fundies yapping about how easy it is for other people to change their sexual orientations. Think it’s easy, Shaunti? Then prove it, bitch, by putting your twat where your mouth is. After you convert your skanky ass from hetero to homo, I will convert my skanky ass from homo to hetero. Give me a call when you’re a carpet-munchin’, vag-fistin’ bulldyke—and bring the video, because I’m going to want proof—and I will give up ass-munchin’, butt-fucking faggotry. Until then, shut your stupid fucking mouth.—Dan
My best friend is obsessed with a character from Yu-Gi-Oh! called Kaiba. She dresses up like him and even claims to have masturbated to the show. It might seem OK for a 10-year-old boy to be this into a show based on battling cards, but she is a beautiful, intelligent 17-year-old girl. It’s pointless! She constantly complains that none of the real guys at our high school are as good as Kaiba. What can I do to help her?—Needs a Major Intervention
Your friend’s obsession is juvenile and retarded, NAMI, but I wouldn’t call it pointless. Like a lot of high-school kids, your friend probably feels pressured to be sexually active. (Pressured by you, perhaps?) Most not-quite-ready-for-sex teenagers hide behind Jesus’ skirts when their friends ask why they’re not fucking, but nonreligious kids have to be a bit more creative. Some, like your friend, invent grand/tragic sexual obsessions that prevent them from dating mere mortals. Your friend doesn’t want you to think that she’s unhip or that she isn’t just dying to have sex or that she isn’t heterosexual, so she’s convinced you (and perhaps herself) that she’s obsessed with Kaiba. And you know what? That’s just fine. Finding fault with all potential real-life boys is a way for her to avoid sexual experiences she’s not ready for. So just back off, OK?
Apropos of Nothing II: Joseph Nicolosi, a quack conversion therapist whom Feldhahn cites approvingly, has an interesting theory on how to make little boys straight: “[A father should] take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.” This is wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. I can’t recall ever showering with my dad, and I’m certain my dad didn’t drag my two older brothers into the shower and waggle his penis in their faces. (I asked.) And yet both my older brothers grew up to be straight. How’d that happen? And if exposure to great big cocks makes a guy straight, how come 10 years’ worth of exposure to my boyfriend’s great big cock hasn’t made me straight?—Dan
I am a transgender “gurl” living in the heart of South Beach, Fla. I read your response to a woman who wanted to know if her boyfriend was gay because he had she-male porn on his computer. I must say that you gave her a response worthy of praise. I could not have said it better—and I am a living she-male type! I’m the girl the “straight” men go to after their female girlfriends go home. Funny—a couple of these very same guys are trying to IM me as I type this. People have a misconception that she-males have sex with gay men. We don’t. Men who are gay are attracted to men who represent men. Straight men are attracted to women, and some are attracted to she-males because we look like women. And yes, funny enough, most of them want us for the dick. As much as they love their girlfriends or wives, their women will never be able to give them what they desire from a she-male, which is dick.
Many of these men are deeply ashamed of this part of their sexuality, and they sneak around fucking she-males. But if people knew that she-males have sex only with straight-lifestyle men, not gay men, that would take the shame away. Maybe one day we will reach a point where straight-lifestyle men are not ashamed to be seen with a she-male or to acknowledge that they have sex with she-males. Please continue to help create a better understanding of she-males and their straight admirers!—Samara Riviera
When I read your letter from NOSA, the man who asked whether it was OK to dump, via e-mail, a woman with whom he had been having casual sex, I had to comment. A guy I had been having NSA sex with dropped out of sight without warning and stopped answering my phone calls. My messages started with “Hi, how’s it going?” and progressed to “Are you OK?” Finally, I called him at work (which I had never done before). He was curt. Then he sent me a polite e-mail saying that he’d met someone else and had decided that he didn’t want to see anyone other than her.
If he had just been adult enough to call and tell me, I would have been cool about it. I would even have considered having sex with him again if his new relationship didn’t work out. But now? Forget it.—Fucking Someone Else
Thanks for sharing, Samara and FSE.—Dan Savage
Dan Savage’s Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton) is available at bookstores nationwide. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.