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The new fall television season opened last week—with offerings so random that only gajillions of focus-grouped dollars could account for them. This year, the executives re-upped on soapstresses in sequins, models in mazes, and some hawg-heaven sponsorship for American Chopper: Johnson’s Extra Care Body Wash, “made especially for women with dry skin.”

Breaking Bonaduce

Sunday at 10 p.m.


In counseling with his wife, Gretchen, Danny continues the hard work of salvaging his marriage. He also injects steroids as his children play nearby, takes on a lesbian porn star for personal training, and lights up after his doctor tells him he’s at risk for a stroke. Daughter Isabella writes “I suck” on his forehead.

The Biggest Loser

Tuesday at 8 p.m.


The overweight contestants are taught about “resisting temptation” by having to stare at cheeseburgers they can’t eat and family letters they can’t open. Thunderous splashes all around as each attempts to cross a lake atop a makeshift balance beam. Rounding out the day’s activities, 305-pound Matt collapses into an ambulance after tough-love trainer Jillian taunts him into racing her.

Dancing With the Stars: Dance-Off

Tuesday at 8:30 p.m.


“Is there going to be justice this time?” asks a concerned fan about the grudge match between Kelly Monaco and John O’Hurley. Even if “she’s still Kelly Monaco,” as the soap star/first-season champ’s best friend assures us, he’s a long way from J. Peterman. “I don’t know why this is so important to me,” ponders O’Hurley, whose last steady gig was UPN’s The Mullets.

America’s Next Top Model

Wednesday at 8 p.m.


“He’s alive?” marvels contestant Lisa of guest star Robin Leach. A square runway befuddles challenger Nik, who dubs the four straight lines “the most hectic puzzle ever!” And pageant queen Cassandra equates her ice-cool demeanor to that of “sociopaths [who] don’t feel emotions, and that’s why they can kill people without feeling bad about it—only I never killed anybody.”

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart

Wednesday at 8 p.m.


Self-declared “creative” Jim, who complains that his team’s proposed name (“Flair”) “makes him feel like a limp-wristed sissy boy,” offers up “the Mamas and the Papas” as a moniker “that I’ve had in my head for years.” Team member Dawn is ostracized for eating a banana, but it’s extra-tall homosexual Jeff who’s the first to hear Martha say, “You just don’t fit in.”—Mario Correa