You know you’re living in a great country when over 16 million of your fellow citizens tune in to hear PMS jokes about their “first female President.” Or when Ben Affleck gets to both add and subtract from the cast of Alias. But when it comes to wielding real power, no one could hold a candle to Cindy, the Staten Island spitfire who gets credit for the week’s most unilateral demand: “I want everything to be about me!”

Martha

Monday at 10 a.m. (WJLA-TV)

Syndicated

Martha Stewart continues to put those messy stock-trading days behind her—by phoning a fan who bought a stove after selling shares in her company. “[The stove is] called Martha,” the fan gushes, “and she’s beautiful!” “She’d better be beautiful if her name is Martha,” warns Stewart.

My Super Sweet 16

Monday at 10:30 p.m.

MTV

“I’ll fight in this dress!” screams the foul-mouthed Cindy as she charges a foe at her Cinderella-themed sweet-16 party. “I gotta wear a sooot?” marvels Chris, the homeboy/dancer she’s paid to be her “Prince Chaw-min’.” As the couple rides off in a horse-drawn carriage, Cindy’s family offers her prince a traditional Staten Island send-off: “Watch yo’ hands! That’s my cousin!”

Dr. Phil

Tuesday at 3 p.m. (WRC-TV)

Syndicated

“We’re going to find out what Alyssa enjoys about choking,” says America’s therapist. “It’s funny,” says the playful 14-year-old about her favorite after-school activity, “the choking game.” “The person that’s passed out kind of twitches or groans…almost like they’re going through a seizure.” A weeping mother takes a tissue from Dr. Phil. “Is that a clean one?” she asks.

Commander-in-Chief

Tuesday at 9 p.m

ABC

Well-informed Attorney General Leslie Hope informs Vice President Geena Davis that POTUS’ death means “the vice president assumes the presidency.” The new chief executive’s aides discuss whose job it is “to smell history.” Matt Lanter, recently seen sky-diving seminude with a man strapped to his back on Bravo, plays Davis’ wholesome, all-American son.

Alias

Thursday at 8 p.m.

ABC

In the season-opener, car-crash victim Sydney refuses medical treatment, prompting paramedics to shoot at her. Vaughn admits he’s a double agent and speaks beautiful French. Sydney learns she’s pregnant, parachutes off a cliff, and suggests the name Clementine. Vaughn responds with cardiac arrest, then death.—Mario Correa