Anyone who thinks the tube isn’t educational could’ve learned a thing or two last week. Bravo taught us Great Things About Being Queer. TLC alerted us to the dangers of “rectal foreign bodies.” We learned that some people are born with a mutated twin inside them and that Cameron Diaz can act. But the best lesson came from Margie, the MTV mom who encouraged her daughter’s blind date to screw her: “You have to sample the milk before you buy the cow.”
101 Things Removed From the Human Body
Sunday at 9 p.m.
“Something is just stuck, and you need a doctor’s help to get it out,” says Lewis Kaplan, M.D. Turnip, bicycle pump, curling iron, crucifix, 133 plastic spoons—“My advice to someone who’s contemplating inserting a rectal foreign body is to not do it,” says the expert. Jelly jar, whip handle, hamster—“Experience for yourself the power of love based on true compatibility,” says sponsor eHarmony.
Date My Mom
Monday at 10 a.m.
“Premarital sex? Oh, absolutely!” gushes 51-year old Margie, one of several moms vying to pimp out their daughters to hipster Jamie. “How bad would I have to rear-end Joy in order for airbags to deploy?” Jamie asks Brenda, proud mother of “joyous Joy.” But in the end, it’s Susanna who wins bragging rights to this would-be son-in-law: “Hot damn! I’ll take that with a side of gravy!” proclaims Jamie upon seeing her daughter.
Monday at 8 p.m.
“I’m very anti-pet,” says neat freak and “perfect wife” Stacy. “Maaaaah!” says the pet goat that greets her inside her filthy new “family”’s living room. “Some people might describe me as a little controlling,” says real-life husband Steve, who prohibits talking after 9. “Use your fingernails to get into the little corners,” orders his daughter as she makes him clean the toilet.
According to Jim
Tuesday at 8 p.m.
According to Jim’s sister-in-law, licking envelopes for the homeless is no fun: “Why can’t they do this for themselves—it’s not like they have jobs.” According to Jim’s wife, Jim shouldn’t have secretly entered her in that Playboy essay contest honoring women’s “charity work.” According to Jim, “smoking a cigar with Hef” is “my only dream now that I rode that ostrich.”
Cameron Diaz: Sexy Angel
Thursday at 9 p.m.
An examination of Diaz’s “body of work” covering everything from “such high-profile campaigns as Salon Selectives” to her Best Burp citation at the Kids’ Choice Awards. A Details expert predicts that “Cameron’s hair scene in [There’s Something About Mary] will stand as one of the great acting moments.” Diaz admits, “I don’t mind when guys fart,” as colleagues vouch for her commitment to a clean environment.—Mario Correa