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Last week began with prophecies of calamity from Bronson Pinchot: “Entertainment and reality are going to collide, and something horrible will happen,” he predicted on The Surreal Life. Whether he was referring to his own knife-wielding housemates, Suze Orman’s personal rapper, or Oprah’s head suddenly deflating, we may never know. But one thing’s for certain after sitting through it all: This Balki guy has always known his medium. “You have learned something, and I have learned something,” he said back on Perfect Strangers. “Too bad we didn’t learn it sooner. We could have gone to the movies instead.”

The Surreal Life

Sunday at 7 p.m.


“That’s actually the sort of feeling I want,” a visiting photographer tells ex-supermodel Janice Dickinson, who gleefully wields a butcher’s knife above the head of castmate/archenemy Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. “Back the fuck up,” warns the would-be apprentice, who also cautions against letting “a crackhead play with a knife.” “This is more scary than jail,” shudders Jose Canseco.

The Oprah Winfrey Show

Thursday at 4 p.m. (WJLA-TV)


“I know I’m going where probably no man has gone before,” says Oprah’s top employee, Tim Bennett, who then tells the Most Powerful Woman in Show Business that her newly relaxed hair is “kind of flat.” “Black people have different hair than white people,” Oprah tries to explain, before relenting to audience demands for more curls. “I have heard you,” she assures America.

The Apprentice

Thursday at 9 p.m.


Good ol’ Kentucky “cotton boy” Mark agrees to dress up as Ginny, the Dairy Queen genie, but draws the line at duct-taping his genitalia. Citing “personal and spiritual beliefs,” as well as “judgment errors that really destroy a reputation,” investment banker Toral refuses to don the outfit of her team’s mascot, a cartoon character named Zip. “I wore a chicken suit on Saturday Night Live,” Trump tells her just before she’s canned.


Friday at 4 p.m.


“Great—I just got Nexted by Sideshow Bob,” complains Christina, moments after the mop-haired Travis dumps her for his next date. “You wanna sit down and get to know each other a little bit?” Travis asks Sascha. “What’s your favorite color?” he probes. “Blue,” she answers. “What’s your favorite color?” “It’s blue.” Then they make out.

The Suze Orman Show

Saturday at 9 p.m.


“Mr. A.B.S…Are you ready to do this for everybody?” the cheerful money maven asks the white San Francisco rapper. “Ready as I ever will be,” replies the Rest in Feces composer, debuting a song that he says was inspired by Orman’s personal-finance tips: “I got zero for savings/And zero dependents/The interest on what I owe/Is at an outrageous percentage.” Bitch got served!

—Mario Correa