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It’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, TV showed us last week. In a golden Gilmore Girls cameo, ex–Secretary of State Madeleine Albright made a seamless transition from Foggy Bottom to Stars Hollow. And if the Rory–Lorelai conflict proved as intractable as anything the Middle East has on offer, at least one of our nation’s peacemakers wasn’t ready to throw in the towel: “We can work through it,” insisted Maury’s Maury Povich to a man who’d just learned that his fiancée already had a husband.
Monday, 8 p.m.
The series that the watchdog Parents Television Council calls a “beacon of family friendly entertainment” continues its 10th wholesome season. This week, rookie pastor Lucy and her husband banter about their great makeup sex: “If fighting means we get to do that more often, I say we keep fighting!” he chortles. Promiscuous Haylie Duff tells the doe-eyed Martin that he’s gone and knocked her up, and minister Camden orders his young twin sons to keep sister Mary’s divorce a secret.
Tuesday, 8 p.m.
“I think you’re a great, cool kid and the best friend a girl could have,” says Madeleine Albright, snuggling in bed with Rory on the eve of her 21st birthday. “Back atcha!” cries the garrulous young Gilmore, dreaming that the ex–Cabinet secretary is her mother. Mama Albright remembers giving birth to Rory as something “akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite,” while real mom Lorelai enthusiastically discusses fiancé Luke’s “big-guy sausage.”
Wednesday, 10:30 a.m.
With the help of Lion King–haired host Ryan Cabrera, contestants Niki and Betsy try to song-write their way into the heart of hottie Michael. The ambitious Betsy tries to incorporate Michael’s spontaneous nature, love of salsa, and fear of sharks in the tune she composes: “Michael, paint your salsa dancers spontaneously/ Look for sharks beneath the surface,” she croons. “Very unique,” Michael musters, before spontaneously choosing her opponent.
101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets
Thursday, 9 p.m.
Tinseltown’s most closely guarded secrets are revealed: “It’s been reported that the boardroom and the suite where [The Apprentice] contestants stayed were really on the same floor. The elevator ride [following each firing]—just for show! And the boardroom? Not Trump’s real boardroom—it was a set built especially for the show!” That, and ex–Bond Girl Tula (For Your Eyes Only) was actually a transsexual named Barry Cossey.
Thursday, 10 p.m.
TV Guide Channel
Just above a scrolling program schedule, “world-renowned hypnotist” Ricky Kalmon casts a spell on passers-by Carmen and Mary. “You are going to think you are in the final episode of The Bachelor [and that] the pole in front of me is The Bachelor,” he intones. “As soon as we made eye contact, I knew it was there,” offers Carmen of her relationship with the pole. “You haven’t been intimate with him…like I have,” counters Mary. —Mario Correa